Update

For any of you who care and are reading this (the imaginary readers in my head) I figured I'd give you an update on what's going on.

My mother knows I cut myself and doesn't really care. I try not to because I understand how much it upsets the people I care about most in my life. I've only done it once after that last post. And it didn't really help. It doesn't help anymore. I do it because I hope it will and it's just made me feel worse. It's more of a routine now. But, the opportunity is occurring less and less now so that makes it much easier. I'm just afraid for next time.

I'm not eating as much as I probably should be and I'm afraid that I'm possibly going to stop again. It wasn't a fun time trying to start eating regularly again and I don't want to go back to that.

Elliot and I have first period together. We talk and get along because we like the same things and such (well, duh, we were best friends). I still find it slightly awkward, but we both ignore the fact that we were ever more than people who talk a bit in school when they have nothing else to do at the end of class. Now that I think about it, that's really sad. And idt I'll ever be there for him. He comes to me, I'm going to slap him and tell him what he did to me and tell him he lost his chance. I know that it's harsh, but I can't stand it.

As soon as we got back from the Colorado trip, both my parents got good jobs here. Finally some stability. Yeah, things are still tight, but we finally have a bit of free money. We might be filling bankruptcy, but I don't think it's absolutely necessary, it's just because some company wouldn't take a payment plan and now they're suing us. Great.

There's so much more I wish I could tell you... It's just not something I can post on here... This is most of it... I think at least. Everything I'm willing to show to everyone. And it's a hell of a lot. So, I'll try and update if anything major happens. More for myself than for anybody else.

Tumblr

I know, I know, I'm breaking the rules of Tumblr. But, since I don't really use Tumblr and I'm all super lame and old-school with my Blogspot (so nobody looks for me) I guess it doesn't count. I posted a link to this on Tumblr, and so for those of you who bother to read that and aren't really lazy you might bother to read this. Please don't go flipping shit. Please don't go telling me how I don't know what I'm talking about and how I'm crying for attention. I'm not. I'm really not. That's why I never let anybody know about this. I wish I could tell the world about everything though. I feel like my life is finally together and I try to be so optimistic. I'll probably still post writing on Tumblr if I ever get around to typing it up. I'm just too lazy to type it up. And I'm so busy so stuff doesn't usually get put up on the internet. But, I'll just write. A lot. That's what I do. It's what I feel I'm best at. I'm not the best at anything (except maybe writing) and I feel like even if I am the best at writing nobody ever recognizes that. I'm not the writing kid. People say Tyler Salas is the writing kid cuz she talks about it a lot. Well, I can write too. So... yeah. Have fun with this. Comment if you like, just don't talk to me about it in person. What's on here stays on the internet. Discussion about this doesn't belong IRL. Unless you're a very special person. I only have 2 of those.

*....

I doubt you guys even bother to look at this anymore. I know it'll show up in Rett's thing. I wish it wouldn't, he's an ass hole.

I can't believe I just cut myself again... It's longer and deeper than ever before; it's not going to heal quickly... I thought about writing a poem, but that's lame. I write shitty poetry. I just write shitty stuff. I just do shitty work overall. That's why my grades are in the toilet. I'm not even trying that hard. I should be. I should be working on my homework now. I should be getting caught up. And yet here I am, writing this. And I can't even tell you why I'm upset, all I know is that I feel empty and alone. I wish I could be at the cast party, with people who at least pretend to like me. I seriously doubt anybody likes me a lot of the time. I mean there are people who like normal me, but everyone's going to get tired of dealing with depressed me. It's happened before and it'll happen again. No matter what they say, nobody can deal with it forever. They'll all leave eventually, and I'll be alone. I kind of want to throw up right now. I don't want to be bulimic too though... Cutter, depressed, self inflictive, suicidal, bruiser, stupid, bitch, selfish, annoying, loser, fail... I have enough labels without bulimic too. What makes this all the worse is that I could have stopped myself. I knew exactly what I was doing. I cleaned the damn blade before doing it. I even paused for a moment before doing it. I could have stopped then, the only damage being the first layer of skin being cut, but no. I had to do it. And this one will probably scar. They all scar, I just think this one might stay. It might not leave. It might give me a permanent reminder of what I am. A cutter. People avoid cutters, they try not to get involved with them. No boy wants to date a cutter, they don't want to be responsible for that. I can hear my mother's words in my head, "You're going to hell." And she only said that because I wasn't going to synagogue, what would she say if she knew I was a cutter? I can't ever tell her. And nobody wants a cutter as their psychologist. Why would anybody want a cutters help? I don't know why they even talk to us. Us. Now I'm part of a group. A group of exiles. Because nobody wants anything to do with cutters. Emo. That's what most people would call me if they knew. Emo. Because they don't know. Dayna would call me a poser; she'd say I was just doing it for attention. She'd say I wasn't a real cutter because I don't slit my wrists. Because it's not deep enough. She'd say I was a poser because I dress the way I do and cut myself. She'd use that to reinforce her idea that I'm a poser, the way I dress. I know that Dayna doesn't know anything. That she's a poser. I've always know that. But yet, she's a cutter too. We have something in common. She probably isn't anymore though. She's found someone to hold her and somebody to keep her safe. I don't have that...

Well, my parents are home. I have to go...

Soo... ya....

I was going to write an entry cuz I was upset, but like 1/4 of the way through, I decided that I didn't want to write anymore. So this is what you get instead, have fun =P

More Poems

You should know from Twitter that I wrote 2 poems last night. Remember that they're a bit exaggerated.

There's Something Wrong

When you sleep with your baby blanket and a teddy,

with the covers pulled over your head...

curled up in a tight ball...

and you're almost 15...

There's something wrong.

When you cry after making out with your boyfriend,

even though you liked it...

There's something wrong.

When you're jealous that your friend's seeing a therapist,

and you're not...

There's something wrong.

When you keep a sharp knife by your bed,

and you're ready to use it on yourself...

and re-open that familiar scar...

There's something wrong.

When you get in the shower and have to convince yourself to draw a breath of air,

instead of water...

There's something wrong.

When you pull yourself out of your pathetic excuse for sleep to write some stupid poem,

kind of like this one...

There's something wrong.

Fear of the Unknown

I'm afraid of the dark for a reason.

My life is the dark,

the terrifying darkness of the unknown.

All around me, people are too ignorant to see in broad daylight.

and they won't open their eyes and try

they just insist they're blind.

And there are people too stupid to search for what's coming next,

even though it's dancing right in front of them.

But me;

I have what I want,

I'm clutching it in my hand.

And I could see what was coming towards me.

Then someone plunged me into darkness.

Now I sense things that definitely weren't there before.

and they're closing in on me.

they're ready to snatch away what I have.

I can hear the future changing

but I cannot see the fight.

So,

I'm sitting here in the darkness

suffering from sensory overload.

trying to comprehend it all.

And Bloody Mary is closing in.

Poetry

As a few of you might know, I occasionally write poetry. And as I was lying on my bed, almost in a dreamless sleep, I wrote this...

I lie here

Somewhere between unconsciousness and reality,

Unable,

Or unwilling,

To choose

Thoughts skitter through my head.

Among them is you.

As you hold me,

I am finally able to give into exhaustion

And I collapse in your arms,

Feeling safe and secure at last.

But,

I'm not safe now.

I'm here,

Alone and afraid,

In the darkness of the unknown

And all I want is to know is what the hell will happen to me!

...But I'm too tired to think...

...I'm almost too tired to breathe...

So,

Here I am.

All alone...

Afraid.

Lost.

...And missing you...

Another moving update

I could be leaving as early as the begging of August, whenever my mom needs to start her new job. And it's basically guaranteed that I'm leaving....

Yet another post about me moving

So my parents have changed their mind once again. Now moving is an option again. My mom doesn't want to be the only one working and the whole family agrees that it'd probably be better in the long run. I mean I've always wanted to live in CO and stuff and it's so nice there and everything. It's only $150 to fly to OR from there, and I'd love to go home. But, I don't want this to be yet another fail at trying to find something better. And I don't want the friends here to just be another name on a computer screen that I'll probably never see in person again. I'm just scared... Especially because of the fact that I've got a boyfriend right now... I don't want to have to cut that short and just ditch it... *sigh* I wish they'd just hurry up and decide already. This can't be good for my mental health.

Moving Update

So somehow our mortgage has been prepaid until November. Now we can stay here until then at least (unless my parents want to move before then). That means fall show will be over (most likely) =). Also, my dad just got an opportunity to take a test to get a job at AT&T. That has the potential to be the job he's been looking for. I don't care if you're religious or not, please pray. I don't want to leave. I know when people say that the people reading it usually just pray at that point and forget. Please don't forget. Make it a nightly thing. I know I will. I don't want to leave you guys. I don't want to leave Studio West. I would love to live in Colorado, but not now. I want more than 3 months... I want as much time as I can get.

Moving

So we're probably moving. We'd be leaving around September. I mean there are worse places to move than Colorado. I've always wanted to live in Colorado. And I do hate it here, but I don't WANT to leave. I have friends that I trust with my life. I mean after I'm gone, who's going to be able to hold me accountable if they find fresh cuts on my hands? Or if they notice that I stop eating? I love creating myself over again, especially in a serious drama and musical theatre program (and a thespian troupe). (They have that at the main highschool in Boulder (the town my parents are looking at.)) I'll most likely be out of fall show here and there though. But, moving after school has started does make me the center of attention. I don't want to have to open up to somebody all over again. I'm going to have to be fake all the time. No calling somebody and crying on the phone for over an hour and then going and hanging out with them the next day. And I don't want to be known as "that emo girl" if I end up crying in the middle of school. I've done that a few times here. And Cumming especially is so behind on any sort of fashion, I don't want to look like I'm from the sticks, because I'm not. I'm from Portland. That artsy town in Oregon. Not the middle of nowhere, Georgia. They have BBYO (Binai Brith Youth Organization) (Jewish youth group) there, which I love a lot more than USY (the other organized Jewish youth group, which is the one they have here). But it's really difficult just to jump into a chapter. These kids will have been with each other since Jr. Kadima (4th-7th grade youth group) at the latest. And then just popping in in 10th grade! Yeah, you're welcomed, but they have so many memories together already, it's awkward. And the high school is so big! I didn't take a S.S. this year, what if I need 4 S.S. credits to graduate? And I don't want to have to take Spanish again next year, I'd fail. But, what if they require 3 years of foreign language? Would they accept a credit if I did Hebrew online? Or with my Synagogue? What math class would I be put in? What about Science? What if they do everything in a different order, would I have to take a class with freshies? I'm so afraid. I mean I could change their minds, but being here with my mom working full time and my father being "primary parent" would turn out horribly in the long run. I'm trying to think of my brother. You guys don't know a whole lot about my father because he's always fucking things up and I don't want the whole world to know how shitty he is. And now I just don't know what to do about my friends (you know who you are that I'm specifically talking about)... It's not even for sure that we're moving. I just told you guys because I can't deal with this by myself....

So I told you guys

Hi guys. I might maybe keep updating this, you never know =P

Former Best Friend

So, I talked to him today. We had a math EOCT in the same period and afterwards I talked to him and two of our friends. He seems not as mean as I had thought. But, he's still not the same as he was. Not at all. I was able to have a little bit of a conversation with him, but I still found it awkward. I mean the fact that he feels like he's cheating on his "girlfriend" whenever he talks to me makes me feel awkward talking to him... But, you know, I'll deal with it someday. Just talking to him I still feel some loyalty to him. If he ever talks to me about something important I know I'll have to help him with it... But, as soon as he gets his life back together after that. I'll tell him what he did.

Well I was nice at banquet... Holding it in really isn't healthy. So now the whole world who bothers to look can see it.

You know there are some people I just really hate. Like my former best friend and his stupid girlfriend (I think I've mentioned them before). I mean him and I used to be so close that we could read each other's minds. I could be talking about Sesame Street and he could know that I was really complaining about my Dad. That's how close we were. And then he got a girlfriend and OF COURSE she made it awkward. Why do people always assume that you like your best friend if they're of the opposite sex? I mean I understand that he used to like me, but the fact that he's going out with HER should have told her that he didn't like me anymore. And then she made him choose. I told him that she was making him choose, I saw it coming. She knew how to press my buttons BECAUSE SHE WAS MY FRIEND! And he of course didn't believe me because he's so damn enamored with her. And he chose her. It was at first just little things, like walking with her in the hall ALL THE TIME. Then if I tried to talk to him about something important (like the fact that I was super confused about what I was feeling because my boyfriend had just broken up with me with a list of things that made it impossible to go out with me) he'd blow me off. Ya he'd say he was sorry, but I could tell he really didn't mean it because he was tired of talking to me and wanted me to shut up and stop ruining his mood. She stopped talking to me through him. I mean REALLY!? And then he chose, and of course since this was his first girlfriend and he's a freshman guy, he chose his girlfriend with the big boobs. I tried to tell him.... and he said all sorts of things... And so we stopped talking. A while back (when we hadn't been talking for a while) he was upset because his whore was grounded for beating the shit out of her sister. And he was telling Twitter he wanted somebody to talk to. So I talked to him for a little while. He still "really care[d] about [me] (you)", but couldn't talk to me because she didn't want him confiding in another girl that much. I mean REALLY!? Just because I'm a girl he can't confide in me? She's SUCH a jealous bitch! And this (plus my breakup with my boyfriend) cause almost all of my friends to hate me (they decided to be on the bitch and the ex's side. The bitch had spread A TON of NASTY rumors about me). And so my life crashed and burned. I was super depressed. I couldn't eat, I cried all the time (or held it back), and even cut myself a few times.... I've managed to put my life back together. But, still I occasionally Facebook/Twitter stalk him, just to see what's going on in his life. And he's changed. She's changed him. I mean the basic personality is there, but he's meaner. He said that when he needed somebody to talk to (when he could no longer talk to the bitch) he'd call me. Well 1) they're not breaking up anytime soon, they're never far from each other. But then again, he has nobody else to be around really. He has no close friends anymore (serves him right). And 2) I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want to help him anymore. He deserted me when my life was disintegrating around me and I just needed somebody to talk to. He's become such a jerk. And he chose some bitchy whore over me. The bitch who basically destroyed what was left of my life, and took the one person I trusted enough to help me cope with it away. If I had done that to him... I would never have forgiven myself. But, I know he doesn't know how I feel. I tried to tell him through Twitter way back when, and he always got mad at me. Trusted what he heard from her, that I was saying all this shit about her. I never said anything about her because I wanted to keep his friendship. Well, my efforts were in vain. I which I had just ruined her life when I had the chance now. Because, no matter what he ever says or does in the future, I KNOW he doesn't really care. See why I have trust issues? See why I have no self esteem? Ya, there's a bit more to it, but this is basically it. Well, if anybody ever reads this, thanks for caring. I know there's at least one person who never will...

formspring.me

Ask me anything http://formspring.me/imdejahvoo

"We're a happy family"

My mom seems to think we're all one big happy family. Yeah right. We have to take some photo for some directory thing tomorrow and I don't want to go or be in it. I'd so much rather stay home and sleep. But, it makes my mom happy to give off the impression that life here is so perfect. wtv.

If you want to know how I'm feeling about this, go read "The Catcher in the Rye"

Haha!

So Max still hasn't found this. =P

I've been super depressed lately, after going to rehearsal Saturday then taking a nap I felt so much better. Drama and music cures everything! I don't know what Ima do after show. I might just die. Sigh.

ARGH!

So I've been updating this from my phone and turns out it doesn't work. Damn it.

so turns out I can update my blog from here... I think. well anyways, nobody understands the importance and seriousness of musical theater and it pisses me off

I probably shouldn't be mad about this...

Well I have these people who I used to be friends with and a while ago they suddenly decided they hate me. Why? I still don't understand it, but they've cussed me out and done all sorts of not nice things. Basically the dude who I'm basically best friends with at the moment (let's call him X for now, I don't want to mention names of people I like), still hangs out with them? How can he do that still!? I mean they haven't ever been mean to him, but after what they've done to me? I wouldn't be friends with them if I were him. And it makes me mad, but should it? I don't know. I'm not planning on bringing it up, because it's his choice and I've already lost my best friend this year (because of the stupid bitch I brought up earlier, he's her boyfriend), and I'm not going to lose X too... But, that doesn't make it hurt any less...

Hate, what hate

So, I'm just really pissed. Stupid ex-bestfriend's girlfriend decided she was going to comment (on fb) on a picture my mom took at homecoming and say how tasteless my mom was for taking it like that. It's not my mom's fault that the people in the photo didn't cooperate! I mean I don't always agree with my mom, but that doesn't mean that she should go bashing her. What did my mom ever do to her? What provocation did she have? I seriously don't understand what her deal is. And I seriously don't understand why whatsisface is still going out with her. I know I'm not supposed to hate him, but I'm coming seriously close. I am going to hold my tongue, only because this is one of those things that could fuck up my life. Otherwise I swear I would fight vicious and underhandedly, because this is ridiculous and I'm tired of her bitchyness. And she's called me a bitch!? Fuck her